Courtesy of ABC
This week we get our first “I’m not here to make friends,” an abundance of lip locks, and a “to be continued” meltdown courtesy of Kupah.
Let’s bitch it out…
We get the first group date card and learn that Joshua has a thumb tat! The first event is a Bachelorette go-to: the boxing date. Every season we have the boxing date, and every season someone goes to the hospital while the Bachelorette says “I didn’t think anyone would get hurt.” This year is no different, with the exception of new coach, Laila Ali. The guys work on the speed bags, ogle Kaitlyn in her cute boxing shorts, and get guy-crushes on Ben Z. (his muscles have muscles!). As the boys change, Kaitlyn peeks on them, which apparently is cheeky when it’s a hot girl, not super creepy, which is what it would be if it were a guy. The silver lining of sexism I guess…
Finally, we get to the tournament, in which the organizers have apparently no concern for weight class match-ups, putting the 170 lb guys against the 220 lb guys. In the end, the final match is between Ben Z (unsurprising) and Jared (WHAT?!?!?!?).
As we know, The Bachelorette producers take medical concerns VERY seriously. Partially so they don’t get sued, but mainly to increase the drama. So Jared is sent to the hospital after Ben Z. punches him in the face so hard his legs give out. Apparently the doctors did not give him clearance to attend the post-date cocktail party, but he is allowed to wait outside in a pink shirt and yellow shorts to make out with Kaitlyn as he heads back to the hotel.
Kaitlyn continues her round robin with the other guys (Can we learn more about Daniel’s furniture and clothing design company?) but no one can beat Ben Z’s muscle/”I’m a sensitive guy who lost my mom” combo, and dude wins the date rose. Also, how does one “respect our conversation”?
Next up: the season’s first one-on-one! The date goes to Clint, who definitely deserves it for drawing Chris-Harrison-riding-a-triceratops that first night. While Clint learned what his date would be, I learned that “conceptual underwater photographer” is actually a job. Nothing says “journey to love” like taking underwater make-out photos with a stranger (and if we’re being honest, casual acquaintance at best). I’m pretty sure that the most exciting thing about Clint is his passing resemblance to Charlie Hunnam, but Kaitlyn LOVES their “connection” and hands him the date rose.
Then comes the best part of the night: Amy Schumer. As Amy says, becoming the bachelorette was the best outcome for Kaitlyn (“could you imagine if you were out driving a tractor right now like, ‘wait, what happened’”). The week’s second group date is also part of The Bachelorette’s standard repertoire: put all the contestants on the spot and make them do stand-up comedy. I’d rather die.
Amy helps the contestants get ready and let’s just say it now: Amy should be in every season…nay, every episode of The Bachelorette. She kills it when calling out JJ for being the world’s biggest “turd.” As she says, “JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma and humility and a sense of humor.” Somehow, Kaitlyn could not spot his douchebagginess (Why didn’t Amy tell her?!) and she gives JJ the rose because…well, because he has a kid? I mean, anyone can have a kid. Doesn’t mean you’re a good parent. At least his kid’s name isn’t Aurelius (I’m looking at you Justin!).
Then JJ goes and steals Kaitlyn at the beginning of the cocktail party when he already had a rose. Bachelor Etiquette 101: you don’t take time away from others when you already have a rose! But hey, “I’m feeling smugness, wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence”. At the final cocktail party, Kupah confronts Kaitlyn about not paying attention to him. He wants to make sure he’s not just there to fill a quota (fair) and then accuses her of not trying to connect with him, except that they JUST MET YESTERDAY (unfair). The conversation goes from bad to worse when Kaitlyn admits she thought they had a connection before this discussion, but now she’s over it. She agrees to think about keeping him there, but then when she hears him talking shit to the other guys, she kicks him out. When he starts screaming at the cameraman, Kaitlyn runs outside to confront him and….
To Be Continued. Whaaa? I stayed up to 11pm and no rose ceremony? Not cool, ABC. Not cool.
Other Observations:
- Tonight’s Zen moment from Tony the Healer ™: “There are many different angles. Some people could judge me as an asshole. Some people could judge me as the most focused, Zen-like individual they know. And I’m both of those, and everything in between.”
- Did anyone else notice that Kaitlyn was forced to keep her hand over her mouth for her entire conversation with Tony so she wouldn’t start laughing during the key-turn/combination lock metaphor?
What did you think? Who’s the worst: JJ or Tony? Do you want more Amy Schumer? Sound off below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm EST on ABC