Teen Wolf review – 3×01: ‘Tattoo’

After an eternity (ie: a year) of waiting, Teen Wolf returns for a supersized S3. Where did we leave off? Oh right, there’s a new pack in town…and they’re entirely comprised of Alphas.

This should be interesting.

Let’s bitch it out…Ah yes, Teen Wolf. My favourite summer guilty pleasure for the last few years (I should clarify that the “guilty” is something I don’t actually feel guilty about).

Yes, folks, it’s time for another season of not-so-epic love stories nestled between gong-show crazy werewolf shenanigans, with a dash of silly looking prosthetics and bad CGI. Three out of four of those characteristics show up in the opening scene alone: Isaac (Daniel Sharman) – whom I’d completely forgotten was even on the show – is on the run from Lynette’s twins from Desperate Housewives…err Ethan and Aidan (Charlie & Max Carver). They chase him on foot while he and a mysterious saviour, Braeden (Meagan Tandy), travel on a motorcycle and the CGI is fake-looking, y’all! Note to the show: no more motorcycle chase scenes unless you can afford the green screen!

Awww…my Teen Wolf is back

After the atrocity that is the opening sequence is behind us (and we get our first taste of inappropriate man-candy pectorals), we’re firmly back into star-crossed love territory. Any concerns I might have had about the quality of the show slipping is immediately erased in the comical, romantic and ultimately shocking scene set in the two cars. It’s all pining from Scott (Tyler Posey, sporting his third haircut in three years) as Lydia (Holland Roden) tries to pep-talk / slut-up Allison (Crystal Reed). Stiles (Dylan O’Brien), of course, plays comic relief. And then a deer gets in on the action in our first of three major animal suicides, crashing head-first into Lydia’s cars (hope you’ve got insurance). Yup, the new Alpha pack has definitely arrived in town.

This scene really doubles-down on Teen Wolf‘s core business. This is what the show is all about: a whip-smart blend of genres and tones centered on a band of deluded teenagers who should be worried about protecting their lives, but would rather celebrate not calling their ex with a tattoo (which is clearly going to have a deeper meaning, right?). It’s all good – it’s Teen Wolf!

Ultimately as a premiere, ‘Tattoo’ ends up being first and foremost a reintroduction to our characters, including Scott’s mom, Melissa (Melissa Ponzio), Allison’s dad, Argent (JR Bourne) and Stiles’ Sheriff dad (Linden Ashby). Even Dr. Deaton (Seth Gilliam) shows up to remind us that animals are crazy and gross!

Beyond catching-up with everyone in the four months that have passed since the S2 finale, there are a few pieces of pertinent information to address. We learn that blowtorches are required for werewolf tattoos, that Scott is going to keep his life in order (that’s what characters on supernatural shows always say before their lives go to hell!), and that Jackson (Colton Haynes, who jumped ship for The CW’s Arrow) moved to London.

Oh, and the head of the Alpha pack is a blind guy named Deucalion (Gideon Emery). In a new change of pace, Deucalion (I can’t help but snicker at how silly that name is) oozes menace instead of being your regular brute villain (in contrast, revisit his hospital henchman, who may or may not be missing a neck he’s so jacked).

All in all, the episode is a good start to a season that can afford to stretch and meander a little thanks to a significantly higher episode order. I, for one, personally hope that the writers don’t rush things back to normal with regard to the HS romances. Allison was starting to get really interesting before her grandpa turned her into a psycho and Lydia has never really done much out of Jackson’s shadows so there’s potential to explore these two (and Stiles) in a little more depth. The biggest issue will likely be the introduction of so many new adversaries; the show already has a rotating roster of second-tier characters courtesy of Derek’s (Tyler Hoechlin) posse so suddenly Teen Wolf has a whole lot of characters to juggle.

Of course, we are watching a show where people die on a fairly regular basis, so that may not be an issue.

Other Observations:

• There’s a nice comedic moment after the Birds homage when Sheriff Stilinski mistakenly asks Argent if he knows anything about the attacks, eventually confessing it’s because he overheard Stiles refer to Argent as an “experienced hunter.” Umm…not the right kind of animal, there Sheriff
• Scott’s tattoo (eventually revealed to be a metaphor for his relationship with Allison) is but one of two tattoos in the episode. There’s also the “tattoo” the mysterious saviour girl leaves on Allison and Lydia’s wrist, which is the same strange mark Derek has painted over on his door
• Any guesses on what the twins want with Isaac’s memories? Is it as simple as trying to find Scott, whom motorcycle girl infers the Alpha pack is afraid of?
• Does Deucalion know who Scott is when he asks for help at the hospital? My guess is yes. Deucalion could simply be buying his henchman time to spirit Isaac away, but I think he was more likely testing Scott to see what kind of man he is
• All of these teachers at Beacon Hill High School seem to end up connected to the larger story, so what’s the deal with the new English teacher? She certainly has decent taste in novels if she’s assigning Heart of Darkness (hint hint)
• Things that are not sexy: women with hairy toes and grotty nails. Don’t these Alpha peeps know that you don’t need to wolf-out all the time? They’re going to be pretty easy to identify if they go around with all their wolf bits hanging out
• Finally, best line of the night goes to Scott’s tattoo artist who, after seeing the simple design, mockingly states: “Boy, it’s a good thing you drew me a picture.” Snark!

Your turn: what did you think of the premiere? Do you miss Jackson, or do the twins make up for the loss? How long before Scott and Allison end back up together? Why are the Alphas so afraid of Scott? And how many fake one arm pull-ups can you do while reading Call Of The Wild (groan)? Hit the comments below

Teen Wolf airs Mondays at 10pm EST on MTV