Scream Queens 1×03 review: ‘Chainsaw’

Can the Kappas’ survive the Red Devil’s new slasher movie weapon o’ choice: the chainsaw?

Let’s bitch it out…

I’m concerned Scream Queens can’t sustain an entire season on its premise. It would be a great teen parody movie (in fact, I think it was…several times). It may even be a good half hour sketch show. But I’m not sure I can continue to eye-roll my way through 22 episodes a year of this. I mean how much mileage is “it’s funny, Gigi (Nasim Pedrad) dresses like it’s the 90s!” going to get?

That’s not to say the show is without merit. I genuinely want to see a flashback to learn more about poor Coney’s life. His hopes, his dreams, how he became the new mascot. I also get a kick out of hearing Abigail Breslin listing sexual adventures she wants to engage in (most of which I don’t understand, because I’m not cool enough). And the coordinated white outfits as the Dickey Dollar Scholars walk the streets in slo-mo to “Backstreet’s Back” is truly inspired.

The third episode kicks off with Grace (Skyler Samuels) and Zayday (Keke Palmer) trying to figure out what happened to Chanel #2 and in the process learn that: 1) Chanel #2’s name is Sonia, 2) she has continued to tweet sunbathing photos, which look suspiciously like “Weekend at Bernies” antics with her dead body propped on a lawn chair, and 3) her parents haven’t seen her, so she’s most definitely not at home (assuming she’s not lost in the mansion).

Oh, and 4) Chad (Glen Powell) was hooking up with Chanel #2…and Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd, who reminds me a lot of Heather Morris in Glee)…and Chanel #5 (Breslin).

Meanwhile, Red Devil has found himself a new weapon of choice (perhaps thanks to Wes’s favorite movie): the chainsaw. This is handy for when he needs to murder college students or perhaps ever fight his way out of a Shark’s stomach. Red Devil’s first victim is the aforementioned Coney, the new school mascot. We don’t ever even get to see the guy’s face, just the blood spurting out of his foam cone covered body. RIP Coney, we hardly knew you.

Chad is super sad about Boone’s death, it’s going to take him “like weeks” to get over it. He’s also processing some serious dilemmas about his relationship with Chanel #1 (Emma Roberts): on one hand, she’s got “symmetrical boobs and shaves her box in a hot way” but she’s trying to control his life by asking him to sleep with fewer people and her pledges are bringing her social standing down. So Chad’s out, yet again.

Chad’s new focus is vengeance. He rounds up his boys, roams the streets with baseball bats and yells for the Red Devil to come out and fight them to avenge Boone’s murder (even though it was officially deemed a suicide, Chad is a forensic genius).

What happens? Exactly what we think will happen, with maybe one twist: there are TWO Red Devils. The Red Devil, and presumably Boone. The tag team goes at the boys in white with chainsaws in the middle of the darkened street. One poor martyr loses both his arms, and then everything else, when trying to save Chad (thank GOD it wasn’t Lucien Laviscount who bit the dust, because giggling when I see his name in the credits is a highlight of this show for me). Also Red Devil #2 seemed to pause when planning to kill Chad, so I’m assuming it is Boone with a pang of conscience.

Other Observations:

• Over in investigative reporter land (aka, “why are these people so boring?” land), Grace and Pete (Diego Bonata) think Chad may be the killer. After some sleuthing, Pete finds the name of the Kappa sister that dropped out when the baby was born 20 years ago. The two head to her home to investigate further, but they don’t get far before the credits roll so we’ll have to wait for more on that.
• Also Chanel #3 is acting super fishy, making a deal with Predatory Lez (Jeanna Han) that they will become alibi buddies (or “alibuddies”) for the next murder, because Chanel #3 is afraid everyone would pin it on her when they find out she’s the secret love child of….Charles Manson. Um, what?!
• Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) is doing some hard core cock-blocking between Gigi and Wes (Oliver Hudson). Dean Munsch convinces Gigi that the two of them need to move into Kappa house to watch the girls.
• I could have really done without Wes dismissing his class with the line “see you next Tuesday” (spell it out, Britney fans). Are the writers trying to make jokes the kids will find edgy? Or is this just meant to be meta because the show airs on Tuesdays?
• By the end of the episode, Gigi and Wes are convinced Munsch is the killer when the Red Devil tries to murder Gigi in the living room post-white noise machine encounter (conveniently set to “slasher movie” to cover up the noise). I’m not buying it, there’s no way Munsch could have changed into her “1800s homesteader” look so fast.
• Chanel takes way too long to realize the best way to get away from the stink of ugly pledges is to give them a makeover. Neck brace turns into…well, Lea Michele. She looks great, but her face is going numb without her neck support.
• Denise Humphill (Neicy Nash) continues to be Secure Enforcement Solutions’ Employee of the Month
• Finally, there’s a lot of online hate for Emma Roberts and her lack of acting ability. I think she’s doing fine, the show is supposed to be one note and campy, and her self-absorbed delivery is on point.

Final Body Count: 2

• Coney
• Unnamed Dickey Dollar Scholar

Best Lines:

• Chanel #1: “Who keeps stealing all these bodies?”
• Dean Munsch: “Find that tortured gay kid in your life, and hold them close tonight”

What did you think? Are you ready to commit for the season? Sound off below!

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9pm EST on FOX