Ringer recap – 1×16: ‘You’re Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail’

For what seems like interminable weeks I’ve been waiting for Ringer to embrace its inner soap opera and turn the heat up from simmer to hot. This week everyone is desperate to cover the tracks of the Martin/Charles Ponzi scheme revealed in last week’s episode, and despite the sheer boredom of white collar crime, Ringer finally manages to deliver an engaging episode.

Let’s bitch it out…Alright, the first thing that I need to do is ensure that anyone playing the Ponzi drinking game has a sober sister on hand to drive them to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. If there was a single word from ‘You’re Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail’ that (when uttered) prompts mass alcohol consumption, it was ‘Ponzi.’ It is on the tip of everyone’s duplicitous tongue, and rightly so, because it is the driving force behind all of the events in tonight’s episode.

After Andrew (Ioan Gruffudd) admits to Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar) that he is the one responsible for bilking his investors of their life savings, things go a little haywire for the perfect couple. And let’s all admit it: this is a good thing, because as interesting as it’s been to watch Bridget make legitimate connections with the Martin clan, it’s way more fun to watch the candy ring engaged couple mistrust each other. Plus we get that fun scene when Malcolm (Mike Colter) calls the former stripper out for her hypocrisy in judging Andrew since she herself is a liar. Clearly someone should have considered the debate team instead of the pole dancing club back in high school.

Ultimately Malcolm repeats his concerns from last week: Bridget should get out, especially since they believe her life is still in danger. Initially she doesn’t believe that Andrew is capable of hurting her, but after a hilariously dark lit conversation in the hallway of their ginormous condo (in which he looks like a serial killer rapist), she not only packs up her shizz, but begins actively to track down Tyler (Justin Bruening) to find out more about the Ponzi scheme (bam! Take a shot).

She’s not alone, however. Thanks to the unnamed mole in the SCC who sent Forever Lila (Jaime Murray) texts last week, the founders of Martin/Charles are onto small-head, big-body. Olivia recalls Tyler to NY so that she can grill him, manipulate him and fire him. In the process she acquires the condemning files that show the inflated Martin/Charles figures. The deluded hunk manages to hang onto Siobhan’s stolen memory stick, though, an act that ultimately seals his doom (never has a push of the thumb on that tiny red button inspired so much dread…oh wait, it’s still just. a. jump.drive. As I said…white collar crime is scintillating).

Meanwhile, just because Siobhan is stranded in Paris doesn’t mean she’s out of the action. After dumb (that would be Tyler) leaves her high and dry, she calls in even dumber reinforcements (that would be Kristoffer Polaha’s Henry). It’s amazing that Henry essentially knows everything, but can’t figure out that Siobhan is using him, so he continues to do her bidding, mostly in the form of attacking Bridget and trying to eat the lower half of her face when she goes to intercept Tyler at his hotel. Admittedly it is a bit fun to watch Henry smugly play on Bridget’s lack of details regarding their adulterous affair, though I find myself continually distracted by his 70s hair. Ugh…that mop on his head and her green garbage bag jacket deserve each other. Imagine if those products had babies?! Blech

It all ends in disaster: Tyler is killed, Olivia (presumably the killer) has the jump drive, and Siobhan is still wearing that weird frilly white shirt with ginormous arm sleeves. Oh, and Bridget has called Malcolm to confess that she thinks Andrew and Forever Lila are capable of murder just as her husband knocks on Malcolm’s door. Nicely done, Ringer. Even though the episode effectively revolved around rich people getting in and out of cars in order to threaten each other about papers, computer programs and memory sticks, I was actually mostly entertained. Plus I suddenly want to visit the Soho hotel…where did that feeling come from?!

Other Observations:

• The groan worthy B storyline can be summed up in a single music video. Poor Nestor Carbonnell (and guest actress Nikki Deloach) for being stuck in this sad sack storyline. The only concession I’ll give? The name of the strip clubs (Harry’s Fun Room and Club Caged) are pretty freaking hilarious.
• “I’ve got something to tell you.” Oh Geez, I wonder what that might be? If any strippers are reading this blog, please learn how to use contraceptives because everytime one of you fictitiously gets pregnant with a lawman’s baby, a baby unicorn gets killed. And we all know how many of those are left, don’t we?
• No Juliet or Catherine this week (loved the throwaway line by Andrew that they’re at some kind of cabin…or lake…or detox center). Can anyone say that they missed the extortion storyline?
• Is it too early (or late) to put forth my theory that Martin/Charles’ secretary, Claudine (Meagan Holder) is behind everything? Not only is that woman at the center of all the Ponzi (bam! shot!) action, but she has the hots for Malcolm. Plus, I think she may be a robot. Think about it.

What did you think, Ringer fans? Can all five of us who are still watching the show agree that this was one of the best episodes in awhile? Are you sad the small-head, big-body is gone? Are we supposed to still care about the identity of the mole or does that really matter anymore (blame Gossip Girl xoxo)? Finally, are you excited to watch Ioan Gruffudd try to convey malice again next week by furrowing his brow and staring intently at the camera? Oh yeah, Mister Fantastic…it’s on!