Ringer recap – 1×14: ‘Whores Don’t Make That Much’

The truth about the rift between the sisters is revealed in a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Let’s bitch it out…

After a couple of weeks of solidly entertaining episodes, Ringer drops back off of a cliff with an episode that alternates between two deadly conditions: being boring or being predictable.

Let’s start with boring: the main storyline is the truth behind the rift between Bridget (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Siobhan in Lake Tahoe seven years ago. It’s been pretty clear since the pilot that Bridget was involved in the death of Siobhan’s son, Sean, so it was just a matter of figuring out how. Was it Bridget’s drugs and party lifestyle? Did she let the boy wander out into traffic? Was it a freak snow cone accident?

Nope – turns out Bridget and the boy went for a drive with Sean’s father, Dylan Morrison (guest star Mischa Collins) and they were hit by a truck. So the accident was Dylan’s fault? Nope! Even that would have been more interesting. No, the driver of the other vehicle fell asleep and “came out of nowhere.” And for that, this whole crazy twin-cest drama began. Because Bridget met with Dylan when Siobhan told her not to.

Wow, that’s…not very interesting. In fact the only remotely engaging element of this entire storyline is that Bridget gets to give Dylan what she has secretly been longing for from Siobhan: forgiveness for the accident. It was nice of Bridget to finally close the door on the accident, even if it only makes the guest star with the perfect family feel better while she continues to lie to the people she loves. So how is she going to pull off telling Andrew and Juliet that she’s actually a recovering stripper with a crime boss after her? Good luck with that one, sweetie!

So that leaves us with the predictable…

After last week’s Wild Things twist (which mostly peeved people, rather than exciting them), the dynamic crime trio of Juliet (Zoey Deutch), Mr. C (Jason Dohring) and white trash puppet Tessa (Gage Golightly) quickly realize that the money will tear them apart. As many predicted, Tessa is the first one to go. You’d feel bad for the girl except that even morons know better than to show up with a new 50 thousand dollar car one week after the failed court case – obviously people will ask questions about that! After an incredibly public streetside meeting Juliet convinces Mr. Carpenter to “take care” of the other girl. The next thing we know, Tessa is in a medically induced coma, and Juliet is terrified of Mr. C. It’s then that the boring switches to predictable; when she calls someone because their “plan is getting out of control.”

Gee, I wonder if she called her mother, Catherine (Andrea Roth)? Considering the boozy tanfest made a play to have Juliet come live with her in Miami earlier, it’s not much of a surprise when the final scene reveals that Catherine planned the entire assault, court case and settlement. (Side Note: This is only after some incredibly edgy (*sarcasm*) staging that makes Juliet look like a schizophrenic who’s talking to herself on the park bench) Were we supposed to think that she was talking to Siobhan? In my heart of hearts that’s what I was hoping for, even though I knew the show would never be that daring. See that’s the problem with Ringer: it’s a show that thinks it’s exploring “the ultimate doublecross” and instead it’s just giving us “the completely expected.” Fail

Other Observations:

• Malcolm Ward (Mike Colter) returns after a week off to play a game of spot-the-missing-boat-key-chain. The episode opens with Malcolm and Bridget discovering Juliet’s secret office has been cleaned out, which Bridget connects to the stolen key-chain. Later, when Siobhan (via text) tells Henry (Kristoffer Polaha) to watch Malcolm at Martin/Charles, Malcolm sees he has the stolen keychain. This could be interesting, but I’ll reserve judgement until I see how it’s executed because I thought the Bridget-Siobhan reveal in tonight’s episode would be interesting, too.
• Why do Henry and Bridget text like 12 year old girls? I half expected one of them to sign xoxo, but I guess that’s a different show, right?
• I particularly enjoyed Henry’s rationale for pulling his money out of Martin/Charles: a mutual ‘friend’ calls Andrew a crook who won’t give Henry’s money back. So to prove this anonymous person incorrect, Andrew should give him his money. Seems logical to me! Kudos for Andrew for more or less calling Henry an idiot…before caving (of course). One of these days I hope Andrew grows a pair and realizes he’s the biggest dupe on the show (well…maybe after Henry)

I could go on, but I don’t care to. The whole episode feels like filler – a prelude to more interesting stories as the show struggles towards its first season finale. What do you think, Ringers: was this episode a predictable snoozefest, or did you appreciate finally getting the dish on the bad blood between the twins? Were you – like me – missing present day Siobhan, who at least stirs up some controversy whenever she comes around? Sound off below!