Commentary – Oscar Fashion recap

The Oscars are like the Superbowl of fashion…and movies: whether you win or lose is inconsequential, so long as you don’t get mentioned by Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Do you remember who won best actress in 2004? Probably not. But everybody remembers Bjork’s swan dress and Halle Berry’s Elie Saab (oh lord, do we ever!)

Let’s bitch out these dresses…

Our coverage is divided into three categories: the best, on the fence and the bitches (aka the worst).

Let’s begin with THE BEST:

Octavia Spencer: She has been knocking it out of the park all award season and this is no exception. I love the color, I love the detailing, I love the fit, I love it all. She just looks stunning! 10/10

Gwyneth Paltrow: I know a lot of people were uncertain about the cape, but I loved it. It was Al Capone Chic. Screw the flying monkeys, I want me some flying Paltrow! And the Tom Ford dress was just perfect. It just all looked so effortless and regal. The color, the fit, the structure – it all works. 10/10

Michele Williams: She has been one of my favorite red carpet ladies for a while now. Ever since her mustard yellow Vera Wang dress in 2006. Again this year she gives us a beautiful color, with gorgeous detailing, including a touch of whimsy with a small broche at the waist. Utter perfection. 10/10

Jennifer Lopez: Whether or not you think she should have been there or not, J-Lo has been really bringin’ it to the red carpet lately. It seems like forever since she has had a moment on the red carpet, and last night she was back in full force. The Zuhair Murad dress was such a “statement” dress, from the plunging neck-line to its eye-catching stripes. I could have done without the weird shoulder cut outs and the sleeves all together, but this is still J-Lo at the top of her game. 9.5/10

Mila Jovovich: Mila really echoed old school glamour with this look. From the hair and make-up to the sparkling beaded one shoulder Elie Saab dress – it was just fabulous. And leave it to an ex-model to know how to show it off. 9.5/10

Missi Pyle: I am just in love with the color of this Valentina Delfino dress. And then there is the fit and detailing which just knocks it out of the park. Added bonus: it is completely eco friendly because it is made of organic silk and recycled polyester. My only complaint is that the bust seems a little bit awkward. 9.5/10

And then there are the dresses that I just can’t decide whether I love or hate. Here are my picks for ON THE FENCE

Viola Davis: Everyone was gushing about this Vera Wang dress. At first I thought I liked it, but then I saw the whole thing and I wasn’t sure anymore. I like the color and the top part, but the bottom looks weird. For some reason it made me think she had just gotten away from a slasher film or something (Freddy just ruined her Oscar dreams by ripping that gown that shreds!). Seriously…that dress looks ripped. 6/10

Emma Stone: There are things about this Giambattista Valli dress that I love. The color is divine and the structure is beautiful. But it seems big and I can really do without the huge red bow next to her head. Come on, she looks like she is about to be swallowed up by red curtains. It’s like Emma Stone was wrapped up by Oprah as one of her favorite things. You get an Emma Stone! And you get an Emma Stone! We all get an Emma Stone! (cue audience freakout/meltdown) 7/10

Sandra Bullock: From the waist down it’s beautiful. From the back its dramatic. And from the front…it looks like it’s about to come off. This Marchesa dress is pretty, but the top front is just not a good fit for Ms. Bullock. 7/10

And now what you have all been waiting for. The bitches of the ball aka THE WORST.

Rooney Mara: People loved this dress, but I just could not enjoy it. I’ll be honest right off the bat that I am not a fan of Rooney Mara’s style (aka dark hair with the ghostly white skin and the uninterested facial expression…like those dead girls from The Grudge). Maybe it’s because I lived through the whole goth phase and I am so over it.

But in all fairness to Mara, the dress itself is a weird fit. My biggest problem is the top part, with the weird fold over the breast. It just reminds me of chest bones (*gag*). Every time I saw her on the red carpet I thought she was the ghost of Oscars past there to remind us of all the horrible fashion mistakes.  Then I came back to reality, only to realize that that dress is the ghost of Oscar fashion mistakes present. 3/10

Shaileen Woodley: I am really not sure what this girl’s style is. Does she have one? The crocs she wore at the Golden Globes tell me no and this Valentino Couture dress does nothing to help her case. She manages to look futuristic and matronly all at the same time. It looks like a dress designed for Barberalla’s wedding…in the 70s. This is Betty White chic. 2/10

Sherri Sheppard: Oh lord, where do I even begin with this dress? I can see where this dress might have been pretty, but then they went and added so many things that even a drag queen would find it a bit much. From the sleeves, to the neck line to the empire waist detailing and the bra showing…it seriously looks like curtains are drawing to reveal a the other Cirque du Soleil show (Qui-DAMN those are big boobs!). We all know that Sherri is well endowed in the “cleaves” department, but the fact that the dress is slim in the bottom just accentuates that even more. She looks so top heavy that my back hurts. 1/10

So those are our picks? Do you agree with our picks, or were there other fashion trainwrecks in your mind? Were there (are there ever?) any men who made your fashion sense tingle? Let us know in the comments below!